Meiyun,

Last night when we held hands and sat by the river, I was overjoyed. It's already the end of April; I’ve always felt that spring is fleeting. I used to really like summer, but now it just feels hot and sweaty. My sweat seems to have turned bitter. Maybe it’s because when I want to cry, there’s no salt left over for the sweat? Maybe it's just because I've grown up. You’ve grown up, too. But holding your hand still feels as warm as the first time. Maybe spring has returned to nestle in your palms?

Although it’s almost summer, the wind is still a bit chilly. Maybe it's still the season for holding someone close, since our skin won’t stick even as we warm each other. I stared at you. You stared at the water, so I stared at the water too. Can water shiver? Does water cry when the wind shatters the stars on its surface? The stars always come back, as if no matter how far they were flung, they’ll always return home. They’ll leap from the water into your eyes. I wish I was a star, too.

...I'm leaving. I'm going to the other side of the world. From Haipei to New York, which seems to be farther than the distance between us and the stars.

I was never brave enough. I'll never be brave enough. Last night I held your hand and I couldn't say a word. I just wanted to hold it tighter and tighter, but I was afraid of hurting you. I guess you could tell, and that's why you were silent. When I kissed you, I could almost taste the bitterness of your silence. But still you let me kiss you, just like how you took the apple that I was too scared to give to you when we were little. You are always more tender, more steady, far kinder and braver than me.

I constantly thought of ways to keep you. Not to keep you with me, but to stay with you, wherever you go. It always felt like you were meant to go to the farthest world. I never thought I’d be the first to leave, that I’d have no idea what to do about us. Maybe it's because we are humans instead of stars or the night breeze that we are so powerless, and so hapless.

Don't wait for me, Meiyun. I just want you to be always, always happy and for there to be stars in your eyes, no matter where we end up. This is the only thing that matters. I’d feel satisfied if you just remember me. But if remembering me makes you sad, then forget me.

I’m sorry for making you sad. It's the last thing I want in the entire universe, but it's the only thing I do. But I still selfishly think that if we were to start over, I would still look you in the eyes, and give you that apple. Goodbye, Meiyun.

A-Hong

A-Hong,

I will wait for you.

Meiyun